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Um, now, Donald...

With frustration growing at the apparent lack to progress towards the hover boards they were promised in the 1989 movie Back to the Future II, Americans took to the polls to elected Donald Trump as the 45th President of the Unit States of America, declaring “We want something from that movie to be real, and if it ain’t power laces and hoverboards, we’ll take Biff Tannen’s Hill Valley.”
Voter and Chicago resident Tom Murrey said “The American people are tired of waiting! Our time is now. We ain’t got no hoverboards, my jacket won’t dry itself and I can’t hydrate a pizza in 10 seconds! We’ve had enough!”
“The Cubs won the World Series and that felt great!”
When confronted with the fact that everything he referred to was in the original timeline of the movie and it was, in fact, a split in the spacetime continuum due to Marty McFly’s irresponsible behaviour that led to the alternate reality of the Hill Valley hellscape, Mr Murrey responded “Don’t come at me with all your facts and detai…
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No-one making any noise. 
No-one wanting to know if they can have more cereal.
No-one asking if they can play with the neighbour boy who has ADHD and wants to marry them.
No-one exuding a cacophony of cries and spluttering after hitting their hand on a bedside table.
No-one walking beside me who can't rid themselves of the hiccups.
No-one asking "Daddeee..." (drawn out for full emphasis and to gain maximum attention), "...if the moon fell to earth, but landed on a spring factory, would it bounce away further than when it started?", a question to which "Daddeee" simply doesn't have a reply through both astonishment and stupidity.
No-one alleviating my pangs of guilt after standing on a snail by telling me "It doesn't matter. That was Larry the Snail and he didn't really do anything anyway".
No-one being grumpy because 9.00 pm is too early for bed and they aren't tired and it's still daytime in American anyway, despite bein…

My daughter knows me so well.

Last week, I was out with my daughter and some friends and my daughter decided to draw everyone's picture and give it to them as a present.
Most of them were really, really good. 
This was mine:

I can't decide whether this is how she sees me and she thinks I should confess that I have messed a lot of things up, or whether she simply messed the drawing up.

I Can't Stress This Enough...

Seriously. Stop it.
We've all been there.
You're standing with a group of people at a party (not good friends - acquaintances at best) and you're halfway through an undoubtedly fascinating anecdote about when the girl in the office said she thought Stonehenge was a kind of way to cook a pizza when a knowing, and completely slap-able, smirk crosses the faces of a happy couple standing side-by-side in the Annoyance (which is the correct collective noun for a group of half-strangers thrown together at a party - look it up).

An "Annoyance" of Acquaintances
Simultaneously, they say into each other's eyes (literally, they say it into each other's eyes) "I'll bet he keeps his tent clean!" before sharing a sickening, saccharine giggle and giving each other an "I'm going to die with you and there is nothing I can do about it" eye-embrace.
But it goes on. They aren't happy being enveloped in their cocoon of self-imposed reaction-limitatio…

Idiots on a Plane

I've been fortunate enough to have had a column published on

It can be found here:

Many thanks to Kat Hannaford for throwing it on the front page.

The Swear Box

Somtimes, swearing is completely justified
It has been decided by members of the office in which I work that we will be installing a "swear box" into which we must put one English pound every time we are deemed to have used an expletive.

I won't be joining in. I love swearing. I refuse to acknowledge that it's offensive in every situation. It's all about context. It is possible to swear and not cause offence, as well as it being possible, shock horror, to cause offence even without swearing.

I wrote this blog entry a while ago, explaining how vehemently I disagree with trying to ban swearing, and my thoughts since that time have not changed one jot.

I don't see why swearing is so frowned upon when there are so many other more offensive things being said. I'm not even talking about purposefully aggressive or demeaning comments. I for one cannot abide anything said without being given the proper forethought. "Think before you speak" is a vital pa…